Yes, It's True
April 1, 2019
Yes, It's True
In both 2003 and 2016 I ran for president. That I was unsuccessful is obvious, but a lack of success should never hold anyone back from doing anything. Most people, after all, are unsuccessful, but that doesn't stop them from getting up in the morning and eating yogurt and cleaning the cat box and trying to put a key in the keyless ignition on their car. Success, in fact, might be overrated, especially when you look at successful people like Harvey Weinstein, R. Kelly, Robert Kraft, Donald Trump, Roseanne Barr, and any number of mass shooters and serial killers. Those were all successful people, but I'm not sure you'd want to say to your kids, "Hey, be like Harvey!" or "Hey, be like Roseanne!"
Which is to say, my previous lack of success is no deterrent at all as I announce my candidacy for President of the United States. I'm running as a candidate of the Pleasant Party. We're not big on catchy phrases and slogans, but since they seem to be necessary these days ours is very simple: Make Our People United Please. Naturally we can put MOPUP on T-shirts and hats and signs and bumper stickers and we'll probably do that.
We're not going to go to the trouble of developing a party platform since no one in American history has ever read one, but we have decided to lay out a few important points; you know, things that we believe in and that might influence the things we do once we're in office. They'll also be frequently used in any speeches I might give which means that, since no one reads such things, they don't have to read these things either. In fact, outside of my babbling on the stump, Cold Iron might be the only place where they see the light of day. Since you're already reading this you might want to continue on because I don't even have my first speech scheduled other than in the shower – and you don't want to go there.
1. The Pleasant Party believes that the most fundamental principle of government is this: People don't want to be told what to do.
This is largely because if you tell people what to do they probably won't do it, or if they do do it they'll most likely do it in a way not intended and then you end up with all kinds of legislators huffing and puffing about how it's the other guy who is standing in the way of progress. So we won't tell people what to do.
2. The Pleasant Party believes that government should have only one law to enforce: Don't be stupid.
Clearly, once that law is enforced the country will improve a lot. It will be a big job though since we have a lot of stupid that needs to be done away with.
3. The Pleasant Party believes that if someone in the government says something is true, it is. If it isn't, we'll put them on a plane to Russia where they'll be much more comfortable.
4. The Pleasant Party believes that if someone in the government says that the only path to peace is through war their microphone should be turned off. Peace can be achieved through war? Can a whale pass through a buttonhole?
5. The Pleasant Party believes that government workers are not public servants any more than restaurant workers are restaurant servants. We've had problems with servitude in the past and it's not clear what would happen if government workers suddenly decided they wanted to be real people.
6. The Pleasant Party believes that people should just shut up since all that hot air is causing climate change.
7. The Pleasant Party believe s that, if people have to talk, they can say anything they want so long as it's not stupid.
8. The Pleasant Party believes that the pursuit of happiness is overrated since no one can know if they were happy until they're dead, and then it doesn't mean a lot.
9. The Pleasant Party believes that health care is a fundamental right, and that everybody is entitled to free aspirin and Pepto Bismol whenever they need it.
10. The Pleasant Party believes that the governing body – in an ideal world – ought to be limited to those folks between the ages of five and ten because then, if the government acts like a bunch of children, we can say, "Well, sure."
As mentioned, these themes will be repeated as I toddle down the campaign trail, but the real question you might be asking is, Is he serious? Actually, I might respond by saying, "What does serious have to do with it?" Are any of the current candidates serious? Can you really be serious if you think you can somehow lead three-hundred and twenty million people? I mean, under normal circumstances such a view would get you a pretty good prescription for a pretty good medication.
So if I'm elected president I'll pick just a few people to lead and the rest can just do what they want.
As long as it's not stupid.
G.K.Wuori © 2019
Photoillustration by the author